jane merson

Um, Where’s my Miracle? (Part 2): The Overflow

August 17, 2017

Last week (on Sunday) I posted Um, Where’s my Miracle? and the response has been quite overwhelming. This is what happened next…

On Monday afternoon, I received an email from former missionaries offering wisdom and guidance, having faced similar challenges themselves. I’m so grateful that God’s provision is not just financial; finance is only a means to an end, after all. But His provision extends to people, resources and opportunities too. These are the things that truly bring wealth.

On Monday evening, I was contacted by friends here and informed that a gentleman in Germany – whom I have never met – had heard my story and would like to financially support me… for an entire year. I cried.

On Tuesday, more friends called me, asking for my bank account details, for they also wanted to send me money and begin supporting me monthly.

On Wednesday, I attended my church small group and was now able to share with them how God had provided. It was the testimony that I had indeed hoped to have shared with them, but it had looked so unlikely just a few days previous.

On our way home in the car, I shared with my group leader that the mortgage payment that had been deducted from my account last week had taken me into the red, having had received no rent from my tenantless flat this month. So he prayed, asking God to expunge the overdraft, as we sat waiting for the traffic lights to turn green.

On Thursday (today), I received a letter from the bank informing me that I was overdrawn (yes, I was well aware, thank you) and that fees would be deducted for every day I had been overdrawn. Later, feeling dejected at the thought of further financial loss, I logged on to my Online Banking platform and found that a further two financial gifts had been transferred into my account without my knowledge, bringing me back into the black, and even covering all the fees I had incurred. I cried again.

I reckon this is just a handful of the miracles I will continue to see in days to come, but I simply couldn’t wait any longer to share His goodness! He is so good. Like, so good. He is at work for us behind the scenes, lovingly caring for our every need, even when we don’t see it or appreciate it. His love for us is so great, so deep, and so personal. His timing is spot on, always. And He never abandons us, we simply need to call out to Him and He meets us right where we are.

Without my turbulent week last week, I could never have truly appreciated the extent to which God goes to surprise us and reveal to us how much He loves us. I would have missed His hand in the detail of my life. He has shown His Word to be true and Himself to be faithful. And others now have the opportunity to partner with the work God is doing, today and in months and years to come, here in Germany.

So thank you for standing with me in prayer for my miracle(s). I have no doubt that there is more to come, including the provision of a tenant for my property in Scotland.

If you are still waiting for your miracle, I would love to stand with you too and intercede on your behalf. If you know me personally, just drop me a message, or you can contact me here.

Whatever you are facing right now, be assured that God loves you, He is for you, and He is ready and willing to work a miracle in your life; just call out to Him and watch Him act.
Um, Where’s my Miracle?

August 13, 2017
I began this week with 1p in my bank account.

I knew this day would come eventually, having had no regular income since I quit my job in Scotland in March. But, I was also confident that God is a God who provides, therefore I had no reason to worry when it did arrive.

However, despite endeavouring to steward my money well, that day came a little sooner than expected due to a number of circumstances out with my control. Last week the tenant in my property in Aberdeen moved out with just 3 weeks notice, despite his contract not due to end until February 2018. Although I have applied for a number of jobs here in Germany, every door has closed so far, not least due to my still limited language skills. And unexpected expenses including insurances and bank fees crippled my finances further.

At first, I thought that surely God would come through for me by the time my current tenant had moved out of the apartment… but that day came and went.

Then I knew He would definitely have to provide for me before my mortgage payment was taken a couple days later… then He missed that deadline too.

Hours ticked by as I refreshed my mobile banking app more than regularly, just in case I had ‘missed’ the miracle. My increasingly insistent prayers and positive declarations of faith appeared to be bouncing off the ceiling and going no further. Last week I had assured my church home group that I would have a miracle to report by this weekend. How could I tell them that I had been sorely mistaken?

Very quickly, the strong, resilient faith that I had been holding firmly in place since I arrived on the continent began to fall apart.

In the days that followed, I experienced all the emotions. It began with anticipation and excitement at the expected miracle, which soon turned to doubt, that spiralled into fear and anxiety like I have never experienced before. I became so anxious that I spent several days fighting the physical manifestations of it.

But where was God in the midst of this? I had trusted Him, had I not? I had given up everything to follow His call, so why had He not come through yet? Would He really leave me with nothing?

Gideon was a man who lived his life in fear. He was busy beating wheat in a wine press and hiding from the Midianites when God paid him a visit.

“The Lord is with you, O brave man,” God said to Gideon. Brave? Really? This was a man who beat wheat in a wine press for fear of what the Midianites would do to him; he obeyed God’s commands under the protection of darkness afraid of what his own family and friends would think; he repeatedly asked for signs of confirmation from God, just to be sure of what God had asked him to do. But what I love here is that God spoke life and strength over this man who was yet timid and afraid.

God had chosen Gideon to lead Israel into victory against the Midianites. But Gideon begins to ask the same questions I have been asking myself this week: “if the Lord is with me, why has this happened to me?”, “Why haven’t You come through for me yet?”, “Show me a sign you are really with me.”

“Go in this strength of yours…” was God’s response. Um, what strength? Gideon does not appear to demonstrate much strength here! But throughout Judges 6 and 7, God graciously encourages Gideon and takes Him through the plan one step at a time. Gideon may not appear to be up to the task, but he was God’s chosen man. God had created Gideon and knew him intricately and, despite his sensitive disposition, Gideon was the right man for the job.

Gideon’s fear did not disqualify him from the very purpose he was created for. The Spirit of the Lord was with him (Judges 6:34) and empowered him to do what God had asked him to do.

Gideon now had a huge army at his disposal but God knew that if the entire army entered into the battle, they would claim the victory for themselves and not have the ability to see God’s hand in it. Therefore, God began to whittle down the crowd…

Using a series of seemingly insignificant details, God began to instruct Gideon to send men home (I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt about this!). Those who were afraid were the first to go. A detail as small as how they chose to drink their water was also used to sift out who would stay and who would leave. The army was streamlined from 32,000, all the way down to just 300 men.

Then God once again reassured Gideon and strengthened him by leading him into the enemy camp where Gideon heard chat amongst the Midianites that God had already revealed the impending victory to some of them in a dream.

Only now was Gideon ready to do what God had called him to do; what he had been created and purposed for. Now Gideon would lead the Israelites to victory.

At Gideon’s word, the 300 men surrounded the enemy camp, blew their horns, smashed pots and shouted victory to the Lord, the Midianites panicked and God caused them to turn on one another, killing many. Some fled, but Gideon and his men pursued them, despite their exhaustion (Judges 8:4), and eventually subdued the Midianite army, bringing peace to the land once again.

Gideon was no perfect specimen – none of God’s chosen instruments ever are – but this Biblical account shows us that God can use us despite our fear, as long as we are willing to take steps to obey Him. God is gracious and will reassure us, strengthen us and help us overcome our fears. The more we obey God and see His provision, the more fearless we will become.

Sometimes God will whittle us down and intentionally weaken us (illness, redundancy, financial crisis, isolation) so that His victory can be all the more greater. But we must be careful not to panic in these moments (like I did!), thinking God has abandoned us. He works all things for His glory, not ours.

Gideon surrendered to God’s way and God won him the fight. Though Gideon did not feel equipped for the task, God called him so he responded in obedience, and God provided all that he needed.

It is true for us too. When we surrender to God and allow Him to work, past our fears, doubts and inabilities, He will act. We can trust God’s capability, His willingness and His timing.

Gideon and his army lifted their voices to God and the battle was won. We, too, are victorious when we lift our voices in prayer and praise instead of being overwhelmed by the circumstances around us. God is mighty to save, whatever the situation. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.

This week has felt long, and exhausting. But I have learnt three valuable lessons:
1. God provides one day at a time. Even though it felt like God had abandoned me, or not provided for me like He promises in His Word, I began to realise that I had what I needed for that day. He had provided enough food for me for that day. He had provided grace for me to cope with what I faced that day. There was no point dwelling on tomorrow, or next week, for God promises that that provision will come when I need it. I was looking for a miracle that would meet my needs for the coming weeks or months, but Oswald Chambers said, “you cannot hoard things for a rainy day if you are truly trusting Christ.”
2. God’s timing is perfect. I see now that I began to panic, not because I doubted that God would come through, but because I felt like God was late. Yet that was according to a timeline that I had concocted, not Him. Trusting His provision also means trusting His timing – this is never a fun lesson, no matter what we are waiting for! But His timing is wrapped up in grace, protection, and glory too. God is never in a hurry, but He is never late.
3. God weakens us to reveal His glory. Just like Gideon’s army, God will sometimes strip back the worldly provision we come to depend on so that our focus returns to Him. We can become blinded to His goodness when we only see provision in pay cheques, pension schemes, or a clean bill of health from medical staff. But when those things fail us, God lovingly draws our attention back onto Him, to witness His miraculous provision, so we no longer wrongly accredit it to perishable things.
I am reassured that God is faithful, He loves me, He cares for me, He has heard my prayers, He knows what I need, He is capable of providing, He is a good Father. I know my Dad would go to any length to provide for me, so how much more will our Heavenly Father do so to meet our every need. When we trust Him, we do not need to do anything to earn His love or provision, it brings Him joy to give us His best.

So my miracle is still on the way, but I am grateful for the fresh perspective God has given me this week. He has not abandoned me or forgotten me, He is working behind the scenes and His provision will come, right on schedule.

Want to read more? Check out Um, Where’s My Miracle? (Part 2): The Overflow.
Choose Your Hard

July 4, 2017

I’ve been exhausted the past couple of weeks so last night I intentionally went to bed early. Ninety minutes later, however, I was still awake, having lain in bed thinking up a wide range of social scenarios and rehearsing German dialogue, should I ever find myself in such circumstances. But this delay in falling asleep is not a new dilemma; instead, a familiar nuisance that has been repeating itself since the turn of the year.

Immersion in a new language is considered to be one of the best ways to learn. But immersion can also feel like drowning. It is very difficult to come up for air when everything around me is in German: from daily four-hour-long language classes, group conversations, and Bible studies, to letters from the bank, public announcements, text messages from new friends, and everything in between. Every routine simplicity now takes a great deal more time and effort. And it’s exhausting. Mentally exhausting.

It’s hard to move to a new country, to adopt a new culture and to familiarise yourself with new government rules and legislation.

It’s hard to learn a new language. It’s hard to be immersed in a foreign language and feel like every day is a school day with an unrelenting demand to exercise the new language.

It’s hard to build a new friendship group from scratch. It’s hard to be so far away from friends and family in whom you have invested for a lifetime.

It’s hard not having a steady income to rely upon, or, indeed, the basic language skills to acquire one.

The mental strain can feel relentless: headaches, tiredness, a weakened ability to focus and to process are just some of the symptoms I battle regularly.

All these things are hard. But it is even harder for me to contemplate a life outside of God’s very best for me. I seek not only to survive, but to thrive. I want a full and abundant life (John 10:10) and to enter fully into the adventure that God has prepared for me. I want to walk in complete obedience to Him. I want my faith to be tested, for without a test there can be no testimony. And I want the testimonies of what God does in my life to encourage others in their walk with God, and to inspire them to pray bigger prayers, dream bigger dreams, and to take greater risks in faith.

I want to look back on my life and say that I embraced it entirely; that I was not held back by fear (2 Timothy 1:7) but trusted in God wholeheartedly to do just as He said He would (Romans 4:21).

So I have to choose my hard. I have a choice to choose whether the challenges I currently face are worth it, or whether I would rather opt for less than God’s best for me, forever feeling just a little under-fulfilled, a little under-satisfied, with many of my dreams unrealised.

I may choose the greater hard, but the greater hard comes with God’s help, His grace, and His guidance. Better yet, the greater hard promises adventure and purpose and miracles!

I have chosen my hard. And as challenging as it can be, I’m having the time of my life and wouldn’t change a thing! Everyday is an adventure, and an opportunity for me to depend on God’s grace once again. Every week brings new challenges and surprises, revealing more of God’s character and His love for mankind. I love it! This is the adventure I want to live. I choose this hard.
Today I Cried in Public

June 4, 2017
Yesterday marked two months since I moved to Germany. For the most part, it has been a relatively smooth transition and God continues to be faithful every step of the way.

But this weekend I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I suspect hormones and tiredness have something to do with it, but that does not negate how I’m feeling. It is right that I permit myself to recognise it and admit it. I think up until now I have been so intent on declaring strength and peace and courage in my circumstances (which, again, for the most part, has truly reflected how I have felt) that I have perhaps stifled some of my other emotions for fear of them being construed as negative (whether by myself or by others).

You might be familiar with the movie ‘Inside Out‘ (click for a fun snippet to jog your memory!) It explores this concept and cleverly personifies the different emotions experienced by a young girl. This particular girl, Riley, and her family have just moved from the American Midwest to San Francisco, bringing with it new surroundings, a new school, and new challenges.

Inside her brain, we are introduced to her emotions – Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust – all of whom watch a projection of Riley’s life and respond accordingly, depending on which emotion is operating the control panel at that time.

Naturally, Joy endeavours to remain always optimistic and takes the lead, seeking to see the positive in all situations faced by Riley. However, as the reality of their new life sinks in, Sadness begins to taint more or more of Riley’s thoughts.

The movie follows Joy’s quest to subdue Sadness and restore Riley to the happy-go-lucky girl she once was. But in the end (spoiler alert!) Joy realises that it is sometimes appropriate and necessary to feel sadness too. Having run away from her family, it is Sadness that prompts Riley to return home again, while finding joy in reuniting with her parents. Sadness permits Riley to miss her old friends and recall memories of significant moments of her life back in the Midwest, but Joy encourages her to begin to build that in her new city. The movie illustrates that no single memory, thought or experience can be accurately described using just one emotion. Each emotion plays a necessary role.

So here it is – today I feel lonely, sad, frustrated, confused, weak, upset, rejected, exhausted.

I’m finding it so hard to build friendships, especially in a different language and culture. I’m emotionally exhausted after every church service and every Connect Group. I feel so vulnerable continually putting myself ‘out there’ – to try to connect with people and engage in meaningful conversation – for fear of rejection. For this introvert, it takes so much courage to walk into church every week, full of unfamiliar people, desperately scanning the crowd for the handful of known faces that I have already been introduced to.

But while emotions are valid, they do not always portray truth either. I may feel lonely but I am not alone, for God is with me. I experience sadness or frustration because my daily reality is not always what I had hoped for, but it is exactly what God had ordained for me that day. Confusion, rejection, and exhaustion may seek to overwhelm me but I rest in the knowledge that I can wholeheartedly trust God despite those feelings.

None of us feel on-top-of-the-world at every waking moment, but sometimes we try to act like that is the case. I’m learning that it is OK to demonstrate weakness, vulnerability, and uncertainty because this is when God’s strength, grace, love, faithfulness, power, and glory is best demonstrated.

“…but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me. So I am well pleased with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, and with difficulties, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak [in human strength], then I am strong [truly able, truly powerful, truly drawing from God’s strength].” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (AMP)

So today I cried in public. I’m usually a private crier, and a seldom one at that, but today that was not an option. I fought back tears for the 20-minute bus journey back to the train station and found some relief when a 10-month-old girl initiated a game of peek-a-boo with me on the bus. But, when I could fight it no longer, I sat outside the train station and cried. It wasn’t pretty and it certainly wasn’t something I was comfortable doing, but in that moment it was necessary.

However, I did not remain in a state of feeling sorry for myself (even though I did feel sorry for myself in that moment). Instead, I sat on the train and prayed. I listened to worship music as I walked back to my apartment. I sat on the balcony and journaled. I talked through my spectrum of emotions with God; all my frustrations, my concerns, my desires. And slowly peace returned to my heart once again.

Today may be a difficult day (and I say that lightly, considering the devastation in London last night), but it doesn’t detract from my confidence that:
1. God brought me to Germany for a specific purpose (of which I am still seeking clarity in) and I experience pure joy knowing that I am at the centre of His will for my life.
2. Despite insisting that there was nothing particularly special about me choosing to move to Darmstadt, since arriving here I am more and more convinced that God led me to this area for a reason and I am so grateful for a couple of existing friends who have made the transition inexplicably easier.
3. I have no doubt that Move Church is the right church for me, having been clearly led there by God. Therefore, the right friends, the right opportunities to serve, and the right provision (e.g transport to make the 80km round trip) is also included as part of God’s plan.
4. My focus for this season is to learn the language and to learn the culture, both of which are progressing well at a good pace (even if I do get a little impatient at times!)
So if you’re struggling today too, tell God how you’re feeling. Every raw thought, feeling, and emotion. He alone can give us the peace, courage, and comfort that we so deeply desire. We can give Him our worries, our frustrations, our fears, and our disappointments, and He will always respond with peace and rest.
A Series of Unfortunate Events

May 4, 2017
It has been a funny ol’ week. Nothing has gone to plan… ahem, my plan.

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that I began my new job this week. Well, at least I expected to.

What appeared to be an incredibly promising job opportunity teaching English to children was not quite all it was cracked up to be and I ended the first of a five-day training course by quitting. The growing unease in my spirit plus wise insight from others helped me make a quick, sure decision on Thursday evening and I chose not to return to training the next day.

Having, then, unexpectedly regained my long weekend, I was excited to fill my days with activity, including attending church on Sunday morning. Well, at least I expected to.

A series of unfortunate events caused a somewhat dramatic waste of time on Sunday. I began the day by praying and asking God to do as He willed. I was very specific in my prayer that morning as I had been reminded in the previous week’s sermon that, “This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24) So I asked Him to be Lord over every detail of that day and to direct my steps; that I may live that day within His will and purpose for my life. Ah, if I only knew what was to come…

You see, I was ready to leave the house on time that morning, however, just as I was about to leave, I suffered terrible indigestion – the worst I’ve ever experienced – and I thought I was going to throw up. As I paced back and forth it soon subsided, but I was now running a few minutes late.

I walked quickly to make up for lost time but, on arriving at the bus stop, I found the first ticket machine was out of order. The second rejected my cash and a further three payment cards (It was around an attempt with card #2 that the bus arrived). The third machine gratefully received my money and offered a ticket in return, but it was too late. The bus had already left.

After stalling for a few minutes, hoping (praying!) another bus would arrive shortly, I admitted defeat and realised that if I still wanted to catch my train, I would have to run – yes, run – the mile to the station. So off I went. A skirt and boots were not optimal running gear for this quick dash, but ‘desperate times’ and all that…

Regularly checking my watch and praying for the train to be late (I knew this was a long-shot, it is Germany after all) I arrived just in time. Just in time to watch the train pull away from the platform, that is.

Most normal people would have admitted defeat at this point. But not me, oh, no! I was determined to make it to church that morning. I calculated that if I got the next train in an hour, I would arrive for the service only 30 minutes late. I conceded that that was acceptable. (Keeping in mind I had already purchased a day-ticket for 18€ and had not yet received any benefit from it whatsoever.)

So as I waited for the next train (and caught my breath), I asked God, “Why?” Why had nothing gone to plan? Why had seemingly insignificant details turned into such a (de)feat? Did He not want me to go to church that morning?

I caught the next train an hour later. But, needless to say, it arrived late, causing me to miss the bus connection and successfully sealing my fate on this failed venture. I was then promptly attacked by a pigeon, lost my favourite earring in the station, and nearly missed the return train because, for some unknown reason, it just happened to leave from a different platform that afternoon.

Four hours of adventure and nothing to show for it. Why? Why? I couldn’t make sense of it. I still don’t quite know what to make of it.

But as I’ve prayed and reflected on the last seven days, God has taught me this:
1. It’s OK to ask for help. Whether that be insight into the local ‘way of things’, a request for information, or assistance in making an informed decision, perhaps some of these challenges could have been avoided if I hadn’t been so determined to do them alone. I’ve been challenging myself on why I don’t ask for help; what are my motives? I know a big reason for refraining from requesting the help of others is because I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I genuinely don’t want to be considered a pest or drain their energy and resources. I’m also fiercely independent – always have been – and that’s a hard habit to break, though necessary in a new country, a new culture and a new language. But I also asked myself, is it pride? Is pride stopping me from asking for help? Yes, perhaps there is an element of that too.
2. God establishes the content of each day. I think, in many ways, this series of unfortunate events was a humorous illustration of God’s sovereignty in all things. And what makes it even funnier is that I asked for it! He coordinates the small things just as much as the big things and all are important in His plan. This can be both an encouragement and a stark reminder that He is Lord over all, and our plans must work within His will, not the other way around.
3. God lives on the wild side. After my job opportunity fell through, I was confused. I wasn’t disappointed, because I felt peace and relief having made the decision to opt out, but I did feel confused and, to be honest, my pride was dented a little. I had excitedly told everyone about this job – the seemingly perfect fit for me, the provision of income, the future prospects it had promised – but it was not to be. Why did God allow me to get as far as the training if He knew it wouldn’t work out? I had hardly pursued the job; if anything, it had pursued me! This is the second ‘close shave’ I’ve experienced during my transition to Germany – the first being an apartment scam which I narrowly avoided. And I think what remains true throughout is that God cares for us more than we know. He knows every detail and has the ability to steer us in a new direction at any given moment. But He occasionally allows us to wander just a little bit farther down the unsafe path in order to demonstrate His love, to test our faith, and to reveal to us what we are really made of.
4. I don’t need to have all the answers. Man, right now, I have none of the answers! I don’t understand why the job didn’t work out. I don’t know where I might now look for another work opportunity. The much-anticipated promise of income has been snatched back. And I have no idea why God could possibly have wanted me to miss church on Sunday..! But, once again, it all comes down to trust. Trust in God, and not my circumstances around me. Trust in His goodness, His love, His faithfulness, and His provision.
This I know: I can be certain in the uncertainty. I am certain of who God is. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He who has been so faithful in my past, is faithful today and He will continue to be faithful through my uncertain perspective of the days and weeks to come. My job is to simply surrender every single (in)significant detail to Him.
When the Honeymoon Ends

April 23, 2017

Gosh. Moving abroad is not for the faint-hearted.

It’s been 20 days since I moved to Germany from the U.K. A busy, full 20 days. It actually surprises me that it has only been 20 days because so much has happened in such a short space of time.

I have settled into an apartment, begun language school, found a church to call home, found employment teaching English to children, and met some lovely people. God has most definitely gone ahead of me, opened up incredible opportunities for me, and worked miracles into daily living.

But, being a solid To-Do-list person, I’m now facing the future with many of the big items checked off the list. So, what now? To live life.

Yet it’s the ‘living life’ bit that I’m beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by. You see, you can’t check it off a to-do list. It’s difficult to measure any progress, you simply be. Day on day, week on week. And any progress takes time.

Now I face the challenge of transitioning friendly faces into meaningful friendships, vacation-worthy German into everyday language, and sign-posted pit-stops into a familiar home town.

I face introducing the real me – my passions, my gifts, my humour, my observations and considerations – and not just the glassy-eyed mute that smiles awkwardly when utterly lost in German conversation.

My introverted being finds it hard enough to introduce myself to new people and face big crowds without adding a foreign language into the mix. It is both exciting and exhausting integrating into new spheres of life: home, work, church, school.

Tiredness has set in. Frustration has set in. Impatience has set in.

I am unspeakably grateful for the handful of people I already knew here and for their assistance in helping me settle – they have truly been a God-send! But I am determined not to become dependent on them.

Yet I’m not here alone. I’m not lost, I do not lack provision, I do not lack courage, support, guidance, love, wisdom, peace. Because God is here. He led me here. In the last 20 days I have witnessed miracles in the mundane; received unimaginable provision; recognised clear direction, and received many answers to specific prayers. ‘Coincidences’ that are no coincidence.

God was present in the transition from the U.K. to Germany and remains present in this new season of settling-in. He is all I need. I sometimes have to remind myself of this but there is no doubt in my mind that He truly is all I need. Because when God is present, friends will come, language will come, patience will come, church-family will come, opportunities to serve will come, provision will come, peace will come.

I look forward to the day when I can reflect back on these first weeks, months and be able to identify progress; to recognise growth and thank the One who meticulously orchestrated it.
His Plan or Mine?

April 11, 2017

I was challenged by the book of Jonah this week as I read of his response and subsequent actions following God’s call on his life.

You may know the story already – Jonah is called by God to go to Nineveh and declare God’s judgment on the people for their sin, however Jonah chose instead to flee from God’s presence and board a ship headed for Tarshish.

While aboard, God causes a great storm to rise up around them, stirring up fear in the ship’s crew while Jonah sleeps below. Eventually, upon waking, Jonah admits he’s the reason this storm has arisen and tells the crew to throw him overboard. They reluctantly do so and the storm dies.

Following a 3-day appointment with a big fish, Jonah hears God’s voice a second time and this time heeds the call and travels to Nineveh to finally deliver God’s message to them. The people of Nineveh believe God’s message instantly and repent.

“Phew! PTL! The people of Nineveh are saved!” Jonah should’ve shouted. But instead he goes in the huff.

Can we be like Jonah sometimes?

First, Jonah tried to run away from God’s call on his life. Why? Was it too difficult for him? Too scary? Not exciting enough? He just couldn’t be bothered? The Bible doesn’t say exactly why but it does tell us what happened next…

As Jonah fled in the wrong direction, God sought his attention by raising up a storm around the boat he had found refuge on. What interested me here was that the ship’s crew first drew Jonah’s attention to God’s part in this storm, not the prophet himself. But this is exactly why the storm was necessary.

Some of the most significant God-moments in my life have been during or directly following difficult seasons. It is in those sink-or-swim moments that I have called out in desperation for God to hear me, answer me, save me, direct me. And He has. He does.

Jonah had been fast asleep, remaining undisturbed by the wind and waves raging around him while the pagan crew feared the storm and the God who had sent it. But Jonah can ignore the storm no longer and surrenders himself to the storm, to the big fish, to God.

Then the story appears to have a happy-ever-after ending – Jonah delivers God’s message to Nineveh, the people repent, God grants them deliverance from His wrath, and Jonah is as-happy-as-Larry.

Oh wait…

Following the peoples’ repentance, Jonah is not pleased that the lives of many are saved, he is angry at God for being too merciful! Hypocritical, much?! God had shown Jonah mercy through his disobedience but he doesn’t now seem to think that Nineveh deserves the same.

I’m beginning to realise that the challenge of our faith is not always during the storm, but often after the storm. We may surrender to God as the waves toss us to and fro but what happens to us once calm is restored? Is our faith stronger or are we simply relieved that the danger has passed? Are we more intentional in our relationship with God or do we return Him to our spiritual First Aid kit ready for the next emergency?

Jonah appears to have forgotten his repentant heart, evident in chapter 2 when he is in the belly of the fish, and returned to his arrogant self, disputing with God over the outcome of his mission. Yet who are we to stipulate the outcome of God’s call on our lives? We are simply called to hear and obey, and let God be god.

There’s no doubt about it, God is in the right job! He knows it all, has power over it all, and has a love for us that we could never fully appreciate. We may be disgusted at Jonah’s thoughts and actions – I know I was when I read it over – but he simply illustrates the attitudes we can all be guilty of at times. So despite Jonah’s disobedience, his indifference, his selfish nature and judgemental attitude, God still used him to not only save the people of Nineveh, but the ship’s crew as well.

My point is this – God is God and He is infinitely better placed to navigate the outcomes of our every situation than we are. He welcomes a dialogue with us, even the doubts, questions and concerns we hold, but then we must release it all into God’s hands and leave the storm, the struggle, the situation with Him. If He asks us to do something, we obey because He is absolutely trustworthy.

I’ve lived in Germany for a week now; a good first week, no doubt about that. It’s been surprisingly easy to settle in and feel at home (a reassuring sign that I have correctly heard and obeyed God’s call) but I have also had to regularly remind myself (already) that I am here for His purposes and not my own. Having taken that initial step to move here, there are suddenly pressures to make plans for what comes next.

“How long are you here for?”

“Where will you work?”

“How long will you attend language school for?”

“Which church will you attend?”

The truth is I don’t yet know what God wants next. I need to stop and ask Him. I need to take one day at a time and allow Him to gently steer me as I exercise wisdom and discernment. I could so easily start making long-term plans – it’s what comes easiest to me – but I must be careful to make plans in line with God’s will, not just implement my own good intentions and ideas.

I don’t feel like I am in the midst of a storm just now – far from it – but I must be careful to not let indifference creep back into my walk with God while I live in (and enjoy) this season on the mountain-top. God has something to say in every season and I must choose to consistently surrender to Him. At every junction in life; every trial, change or challenge, we are responsible for making decisions – all decisions have consequences – so lets make decisions based on God’s Word and His will for our lives, and trust Him with the outcomes, not carrying the God-sized responsibility ourselves.
The Ten Year Wait (Part 2): Still Waiting

March 21, 2017

In The Ten Year Wait I shared just some of the journey God has taken me on in the last 10+ years as I sought, and continue to seek, His perfect will & purpose for my life.

But throughout that journey, there has been a second wait; an often more painful and difficult one. Namely, the wait for a husband.

Just like many of my peers, I have always had a desire to be married and to raise a family. But, unlike many of my peers, I am still waiting to see that desire fulfilled.

As a teenager, I (for reasons I can no longer recall!) considered 24 years old as the ideal age to get married. I had it all planned out – it would give my husband & I a couple of years for us to settle into marriage then I’d pop out two or three kids before I hit the big 3-0.

But here I am – 30 years old and single. No boyfriend, no husband, and certainly no kids.

Yet I’m the happiest and most content I’ve ever been.

Here are just some of the lessons I’ve learned so far:

Closed doors are a blessing. Oh, so many closed doors! A couple of (short-lived) relationships, countless crushes and many, many tears later, I am unimaginably thankful for the way God has protected my heart and comforted me through the confusion, hurt and impatience of the past ten years. These experiences, though far from enjoyable at the time, have shaped me and guided me (often reluctantly!) and have played an essential part in this decade of waiting.

Single people should be encouraged, not pitied. I can’t begin to tell you how irritating it is to have well-meaning marrieds ask me why I’m still single or reassure me that it’ll be my turn next. Please don’t ‘label’ me or assume it’s the only thing on my mind! In the past it would take every ounce of me to reach a place of peace (not true contentment, but part-way there at least) about being single to then have someone else raise the issue with me and immediately knock my confidence and cause me to spiral back into insecurities again. The more others saw my singleness, the more I felt it. And it felt like inadequacy.

Marrieds, pray for singles – that they would find their spouse, by all means, but also that they would be content in the meantime – hang out with them, introduce them to others (without making it awkward, please!), encourage them in their walk with God, help them to identify and nurture their gifts, and don’t overlook or disregard them (whether unintentionally or not).

Use your time as a singleton well. You only get one chance at life so don’t sit around waiting for marriage (or a promotion, or a pay rise, or a baby, or whatever). Life doesn’t start when you get married, it started the day you were born. The longer you wait, the more time you waste. Jesus saved us so we could live an abundant life! Oh, how I wish I had applied this truth sooner.

Travel. Make memories. Buy that house, that car, that pet. Read books, delve into the Word of God, enjoy a range of hobbies. Become interesting. Then when you meet someone you like, you’ll have far more to talk about.

Everyone’s journey is unique. Embrace your journey, don’t resent it. Don’t compare yourself to others. I’ve been there, believe me. I used to look at married friends thinking I needed to be more like them because clearly they were ‘marriage material’ and I was not. I thought I needed to be prettier, funnier, thinner, holier, more spontaneous, fun… the list goes on. But after many years I began to realise that God had a different purpose for me; a different path to walk, different challenges to face, different lessons to learn. And I found joy in the creativity of my Father and the one-of-a-kind story He writes for each one of us.

The desire for a spouse is a good desire. The Bible clearly states that it is good for a man and woman to be united in marriage. But many singles who express their desire for a spouse are, sometimes unfairly, labeled ‘desperate’. Don’t be ashamed of your desire for a spouse, but also be careful not to place that desire above your passion to worship and serve God.

Learn to be romanced by God. And this by far has been the best and most liberating lesson! To be loved, pursued and accepted by the Heavenly Father far exceeds anything an earthly spouse could ever offer. Only God can meet our deepest desires and needs – it would be unfair on our spouse to expect that from them – we must always seek Him to fill this void. And as we continue to draw closer to God, we are better equipped to enter into a loving, giving, serving earthly relationship when the time comes.

I continue to wait for my husband with great anticipation, trusting God to prepare us both and to unite us in His timing. But regardless of my marital status, my far greater desire is to know God more deeply and more intimately, serving Him and bringing Him glory in all that I do.
No Longer a {Control} Freak

March 2, 2017

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m a control-freak. Well, at least I used to be.

My sanity revolved around carefully constructed plans, determined to the smallest detail, with every possible outcome weighed and accounted for. And if not? Fear reigned.

Because of this, I used to think that being so organised and reasoned in my thinking was a poor character trait. But what I’ve since realised is that it is not the skill itself (indeed, a God-given gift) that is negative, but the attitude and reasoning behind it.

My motive for considering every detail had always been control, whether I had realised it or not. I liked to be prepared so, naturally, I needed to examine every possible outcome so that I could prepare for it.  However, any deviation in my plan would render me stressed and anxious. That anxiety would manifest itself in a variety of ways – trouble sleeping; repeatedly playing out various scenarios over and over in my head; rehearsing conversations if I anticipated conflict and confrontation; tension in relationships… essentially, just driving myself crazy!

The funny thing was, I was never in control to begin with. By desiring to control, I had essentially put myself in God’s role (no wonder I experienced so much anxiety!)  At the root of the desire to control I was simply stating, “my ways are better than God’s ways.” Ouch.

My need to control situations – whether good or bad – was exhausting and sapped me of all my energy. And it all came to a head in July last year.

For months I had been trying to control the various areas of my life – work, relationships, church – leaving me so drained that I was simply now running on maintenance mode and doing my best to avoid a crash.

I gave what I could at work, but I felt frustrated and ready to give up.

I was selfish in my relationships, only looking for what I could get out of them.

My attendance at church dropped, and I began to resent the ministries I was serving in.

The voices in my head condemned me for my failing attitudes and told me I was no longer good enough to serve God like I had once hoped I would.  I was now out-of-control, and I had never felt so anxious and lost. But, thank God, He had not let go. I had a weekend away booked – to Germany, as it happens – and He met me there in a very real way.

The weekend began like any other short break – laughs with friends, good food, a bit of sight-seeing, sitting in the sun – but what I really needed – rather, what my soul was craving – was time alone with God.

That Sunday afternoon, 3rd July 2016, I released my need to control and accepted something so much greater – the knowledge and true belief that God could be trusted.

As I sat and listened to worship music, journaled, read my Bible, and poured out my heart to God – the honest, vulnerable, uncensored cries – He began to overwhelm me with His acceptance and love. As I reflected on the weeks and months past, I started to recognise answered prayers that I had been too blind and distracted to see at the time. Despite feeling alone, I identified God’s quiet, consistent presence; His gentle hand steering me through some of my darkest days. As I sat that day, staring up at the grey cloudy sky, I experienced real rest in His presence and the inner turmoil I’d felt in the preceding months began to melt away.

That summer I embarked on an exciting rediscovery of God’s kind nature – His love, forgiveness, acceptance, and faithfulness. As I relinquished control of my own circumstances and simply sought to know my Heavenly Father more, my anxiety dissolved and my passion was reignited.

Prayer suddenly became my first line of defence, not a last resort. I let go of my need to control because I knew the One who was truly sovereign over all things. I knew He loved me more than I could ever imagine and therefore His plans for me were good and would not lead to disaster.

I no longer needed to feel prepared for whatever situations I faced – whether anticipated or not – because I trusted God to meet every need in every outcome. I still had to be a good steward of what He gave me, and I reinstated disciplines to help me as I sought to be more Christ-like, but the best way to prepare for any outcome, I realised, is to consistently and entirely depend on God.

In the months since that revelation of true rest, my perspective has been completely transformed and His peace is what now guides me.  In relinquishing control I’ve experienced a new freedom; my once mundane and highly regimented daily routine is now viewed through the eyes of an Indiana-Jones-like adventurer, anticipating all the surprises God has in store for me every single day! I have made it a priority to replicate often the atmosphere of that cloudy day in Germany so that my eyes remain fixed on Jesus, and not distracted by the circumstances around me. I am still organised – yes. I still make plans – of course. But I am no longer seeking to control the outcomes of these plans like I once did because I rest assured in God’s sovereign purposes for my life and know that, no matter what I face, He is the answer that I need.

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